Post high school :) 9-29-12

Well here I am. Graduated and officially settled down in college. Well as settled as I can get. Things are a lot different that I could have ever imagined. Dona prepared us as well as she could, yet I sit here almost dissapointed in the way things have turned out. I've faced challenges before, sure. But none of them have seen as daunting as the task set before me now: Learn everything you will need in your furture in four years. And don't screw up. I am the queen of royally messing things up for me. I think I deserve an award. It's sometimes humorous how badly things can go for me. Yet I keep moving forward. Do I have any other choice? It seems here at college that these kids all want to be something they're not. They want to be popular, they want to have fun, and they want to live. But is getting drunk, having sex, and smoking pot really living? See I was taught that living was being able to do something that you ordinarily wouldn't be able to. Doing things that society said you can't do because you're of a certain color, race, or gender. I could spend my entire life being in the confounds of my own mind. Ceasing to exist to those people around me. And if I could, I would. Everyone that knows me understands that I hate people. Now I don't mean actually hate. I think life is an amazing gift. But sometimes I think it was given to the wrong people. I think people are annoying and hateful and gross. But they can be beautiful and generous as well. Most of the time, they choose to live selfishly. And that's what I hate. We were given life on this earth to help other people. I think that's the meaning of life. But we spend time chasing after things without meaning. And we lose sight of who we are. I love the human race. But people need to understand the gifts they have before it's taken away. I used to think that people die when they discover the meaning of life. We spend our lives searching for a secret that was given to us: the ability to end suffering and help those in need. I think once people discover why they are alive, they die. So they don't spoil the secret for others. They find peace and can go on after life. People often ask me what I want to do when I grow up. I used to think I had different options for how I could go about becoming who I wanted to be. But now I don't have a clue. I wanted to be a teacher, but according to society they are undervalued and underappreciated. And they don't want to make enough money. I wanted to be an archaeologist, but they need a phD to work abroad, and God knows, I'm not smart enough to go to school for another 5-8 years. Nor do I have the money. So you know how I'm going to respond to the ongoing question of what I want to be? I want to be happy. I want to wake up every single day doing something I love, surrounded by people I love. I want to make a difference. But not from the comfort of my own home. I want to make a difference in the scary, heart-wrenching world that we live in. I want to be the reason someone has hope. I want to be the change I want to see in the world. Tons of rambling about life, I know. But these are the thoughts that go through my head when I have a Spanish exam tomorrow morning and I don't know my verb conjugations. Forgive me :)